I need a lot of mental strength to not let the cancer take me over. I struggle with all the phantom pains, the different sensations in my body. To distract myself I use the Surviving Me audio tracks. They really help at night when I can’t sleep and I am frightened. I don’t even try to go to sleep these days without them. If I do, I just start thinking, so I put the audio on as soon as I get into bed. Then I am safe. My safe place in the storm in the middle of the night if I wake, my survival kit. I don’t put off going to bed now like I used to do out of fear.
Making practical decisions makes me feel safer and more in control. Moving in with Bob would make my life easier. Life seems to be moving me towards that decision – redundancy, financial worries, being able to do the voluntary work I love. It would give me choices and stability, let me do something I have always wanted to do like befriending, caring for people, making a difference. I also then wouldn’t have to make too many choices and could learn to go along with things and accept without fear. It would take a lot of pressure away from me. I think if you trust and allow yourself to be challenged then you can find new opportunities and find out what your non-negotiables are in life – the things that are really important to you and who you are. I need to trust myself more.