Looking back at my story now, from where I started out, it feels like another lifetime ago. I don’t recognise myself now. I have grown and changed with my cancer. Reading back has reminded me how I coped in the early days of my diagnosis, how I felt, how I organised my life and my thoughts and feelings. I no longer need to write my diary down as I am much better at expressing myself out loud. This gives me extra time for living! Since the cancer came back I have been struggling to make the decision to sell my house. The house reminds me of how I used to be and I am struggling not to get stressed. The difference now though, is that when something is right for me to do, I just know it inside. I have learnt to trust myself on my journey and not to be afraid to make mistakes. I go with my heart now and not fear. I am learning to sit with things and be comfortable with myself. I didn’t go into fear when I got the results of my scan, because deep down I was expecting it. I recognised the symptoms even though nothing had shown up on an initial scan. My first emotion was guilt, that I was perhaps to blame as I hadn’t stuck to a strict diet – me going back into my old patterns. Sometimes I lose perspective on how far I have come emotionally and mentally, and just how bad that early time was.
I am feeling more like myself now I am having the chemo again. I have hope again and can start to make plans, which I wouldn’t have done last month. Staying positive can be such hard work on your journey when you feel ill and in pain. You have to keep reviewing things to see how far you have come and to remind yourself just how strong you are.